Looking Forward Though the Darkness

So for those who don’t know.  I have rather severe anxiety attacks.  Shaking, posturing and blackouts happen if I don’t catch them in time.  It was pretty scary when I first started having them a few years ago, now it is just painful.  The shaking and posturing is really hard on my muscles and it makes me very sore when I wake up.

Yeah, I’m one of those who takes pills for her anxiety, it’s one of the few ways I can catch this train-wreck and stop it before it hits the proverbial wall.  Blacking out isn’t fun.  I don’t enjoy it.  So I take a pill to make sure it doesn’t get that bad.  No shame on my part.  It helps me cope, and I am happy to use whatever means I need to in order to be able to.

These last few weeks have been pretty rough.  Not only on the home front, buying a house is never stress free, work concerns, the declining health of important family members and the like, but also when I look at what is going on in the world.  Sometimes when you are in the midst of darkness, it is hard to see the light.  Police brutality, domestic violence, harassment, and don’t even get me started on the mess that is politics.  It’s all pretty nasty these days.

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Cute little piggie butts!

But if I want to combat the darkness, I have only to look at those people who love and cherish me for who I am.  I only have to look at the beauty that I create with my jewelry and yes, this comic.  I get a smile from a friend because they are looking forward to the next game we host, and the pictures of folks crafts as they prepare their costumes.  All of these joys happen despite the negativity in day to day life.  Little joys like snuggling on the couch with my husband and discussing how we are going to make the new house our own, or watching my husband scroll through the humane society’s puppy pages, dreaming of the pup that we will bring home to join our little family.  It brings me joy to watch as my guinea pigs popcorn all over their cage as we get out the lettuce for them.

Sometimes when the anxiety gets to bad, I focus on those things that remind me that life is actually worth living, and that despite the fact that there are a lot of people out there working to make the world a shit hole, there is still more that are working to make it a better place and I can only hope that when all is said and done, I am counted among the latter.